Birth stories are interesting; people either want to tell theirs immediately or never talk about it again. And truthfully, there’s logic on both sides. Birth is an intense and intimate experience – and for many mothers, nothing like they’ve ever experienced before. But the more we learn about trauma and healing, the more it becomes clear that not talking about what was hoped for or what went wrong isn’t as protective as one might think it would be.
When a birth doesn’t go according to plan or a death occurs after, the last thing people want to do is discuss it. Who wants to relive their worst moments? Who wants to be the one making everyone else awkward? But the reality is, the sooner people get a chance to talk about what happened (in whatever context they feel most comfortable), the better. Eventually, it’s part of how parents navigate trauma and a path to meaning.
The Illusion of Protection
The reason most people believe that not talking about a traumatic birth or even death protects them from the experience is that human instinct suggests that if it’s not spoken out loud, it won’t feel as real. If it’s compartmentalized, perhaps people can keep trudging along without feeling so bogged down.
However, birth trauma and the death of a baby doesn’t work that way. The exact memory lingers even if one isn’t talking about it. It makes an appearance at the worst possible times – a pregnant woman in line at a store, a baby crying in the middle of the night, or 3 am when no one can sleep and memories haunt one’s thoughts and heart. Instead of protecting those involved, it becomes a weapon against interpersonal relationships and mental well-being.
Psychologists who work with bereaved parents find that the ones who are willing to share their experiences with their partners, counselors, or support groups navigate better than those who hold things in. It’s not about “getting over it” (because you don’t). It’s about learning how to carry it so it doesn’t crush you.
What Sharing Looks Like
Now, sharing one’s story doesn’t mean standing up at the next town hall meeting and sharing what happened. Some parents eventually find that helpful, but countless other opportunities could share the burden on parents without bearing too much public responsibility.
One way to share (in private) is by writing things down. Many women keep journals in which they write to themselves and write what happened day by day. Others might choose to write letters to their babies. There’s no wrong answer – there’s only the movement from headspace onto paper where it’s less overwhelming.
Support groups – either online or in person – offer a safe space where people don’t have to explain anything to anyone because everyone knows how much it hurts already. People can share as much (or as little) as they want, but being in a room (or virtual room) with someone who gets it is empowering.
Then there’s the opportunity to talk to professionals – counselors and therapists and yes, even legal professionals if there are questions about care. This conversation serves a separate purpose than emotional processing.
When Care Becomes Questionable
What’s interesting is that sometimes parents don’t realize what didn’t go right during their care – for them and their babies – until they start discussing what happened in the first place. Monitoring stopped when it should have continued; concerns were dismissed; the timeline didn’t add up to what they were told would happen.
However, these are not small details; they are often pieces that drive parents to insanity wondering “what if.”
To talk about it with someone who understands medical negligence (especially for stillbirth and neonatal death) helps separate what people think from what should have been standard care. This is where discussing a Stillbirth Compensation Claim becomes relevant – not as the first step of grief – but as an opportunity to make sense of what’s happened to ascertain whether it was preventable or not.
Answers never change outcomes, but they change how people carry them. They allow people to blame systems instead of themselves, allowing the culpability as long as standards are supported because it’s what we should all expect.
How It Can Help Other Families
And this is where it’s helpful for some families – the part that gives reason and meaning (even when meaning seems impossible). When parents speak up – through formal complaints or compensation claims or even just stories told to other expectant parents – they give others an opportunity to prevent the same thing from happening.
Hospitals and healthcare professionals are supposed to learn from every adverse outcome. That’s how medical care improves. But if people are complacent with what went wrong or fail to speak up about inadequate care, no one ever knows. When parents speak up about substandard care, there exists an opportunity for institutions to review what was done improperly and reevaluate staff retraining for credentialed changes or discharge.
Some parents become advocates without even realizing it. They start blogs or share their stories on social media or work with charities dedicated to baby loss. Others just find their voice on a review or investigative process that finds new developments in the family hospital where everything went wrong. These are small actions by big-weighed families who find that it’s worth speaking out if just one person could avoid feeling like they did.
What Stops Parents From Talking
Sometimes there exists a multiplicity of guilt that prevents people from talking about traumatic births or losses at all. Some feel guilty for harboring angry feelings when they have other children (and should be grateful) while others feel guilty for believing mistakes were made because it seems disrespectful to workers at that moment in time.
But here’s the scoop: nobody is ever going to absolutely agree with every single healthcare worker trying their best. Everyone appreciates that healthcare professionals work harder than anticipated – but simultaneously recognize that sometimes care isn’t good enough while other times it is sensational.
These concepts aren’t mutually exclusive. Speaking up about inadequate care isn’t an attack on any specific person; it’s making systems accountable when standards should be met.
Parents fear judgment – for meaning – is anyone just looking to place blame? Will they be difficult? Will people think they’re ungrateful? These are valid fears but should not squash momentum for answers. The right people – a solicitor who gets it, a good therapist, genuine support groups – aren’t going to judge them for wanting to understand.
Finding Your Own Timing
Not everyone is ready to talk immediately – and that’s perfectly fine. Some women need months; some women need years before they can discuss what happened without crumbling apart. Others find that silence is unbearable and must talk about it immediately.
There’s no specified guideline for when you should seek an answer about your care moving forward; there’s only hope that at some time down the line, something can happen that makes sense for those involved. Keeping things inside forever tends to do more harm than good – but timing can be everything; it’s important that one’s sense of timing is respected by all.
Many parents find that their ability to talk eventually comes – what couldn’t be discussed three months postpartum becomes more tolerable at a year – or vice versa. It’s okay to give yourself the freedom to move at your own pace!
The Practicality of Speaking Up
If you’re on the fence about whether your care during pregnancy or labor was acceptable, there are some steps worth taking. Get your medical notes – you’re entitled to them – and time stamps should provide insight into every time something was documented (or missed).
Talk to a solicitor; most initial opinions are free and they can give you an honest assessment of whether there’s merit for a claim. However, even if there isn’t legal action worthy, that conversation still assists with helping you understand what occurred better.
Document while memories are fresh. Write down what’s etched into your mind – what you wanted when you said this, how staff responded – and even what you said at the end of your delivery process. These will fade over time but often hold valuable weight if there ever is an approach toward plausible answers.
What It Gives You
Ultimately – and whatever realm it looks like – it gives you your voice back in a situation where you felt voiceless initially. It brings your baby into other conversations and provides everything that happened a possibility of existence instead of being filed away into the void.
Nothing will ever bring your baby back or help ease unanswered questions into reducing isolation – but sometimes speaking up brings something good from awful situations either for yourself or someone else down the road.
Your story matters; what happened matters; the care given matters; and once you’re ready – whatever time frame works best – it empowers you once again in a situation where your power was stripped away from you. You’re justified in feeling however you do – it empowers you through every step of the way once you’re finally able to get there!